I wasn’t going to write a post tonight–so much to do!–but I got more done than I expected, and I had a bit I wanted to say.
Today I got a bit–to use Cora‘s words–“jacked up.”
As a blogger, I’m torn between sharing the wisdom I’ve come to after going through the hard stuff of recovery and writing about it from a place of sharing helpful tips and advice with others (like some of my favorite recovery bloggers like HealthyEzSweet Life) and writing about the more raw, dealing-with-this-stupid-shit-as-it-comes-up-in-our-lives stuff. Let’s Get Living and My Littletablespoon are great examples of this more-in-the-moment style. I guess I appreciate both approaches. Different blogs for different frogs.
Partly I’m torn between these two approaches because I’m mostly recovered from my eating disorder…except when I’m not. Today I had a post planned for sharing that “place of wisdom that I’ve come to from going to the hard stuff”–and then I did a lousy job implementing that wisdom.
Same old, same old trigger, too. IBS. Damn those three letters.
The day actually started out quite nice (and delicious!) I got up and put together these breakfast banana oat cookies from Karlijn’s Kitchen. So simple–four ingredients!–and you get some healthy, warm, and comforting cookies for breakfast in about 15 minutes.
and I felt very bloated afterward, which is normal for my IBS, but for some reason really set me off much more than normal. I even found myself adding up calories from the morning and past days, which I often find myself doing unconsciously, but I get so mad at myself when I start doing it consciously because I know it makes me so terribly upset and anxious and really isn’t productive.
Part of my brain concluded that the number I came up with was “too much.” The other half of brain concluded that it was “actually quite reasonable for an active young adult woman,” which is probably a better response but also sort of annoying in that I still felt I had to validate what I had eaten based on the calorie content.
The anxiety about suddenly finding myself debating about whether or not one stupid Greek yogurt was “too much” was especially frustrating because I ended up having a very unproductive morning as a result. And I’m just not at a place in my grad school career where I can afford to be unproductive very often.
The ironic thing about this whole incident is that the rest of the day I was actually much hungrier than normal. I went to a late morning spin class and didn’t eat before–I often can’t eat too soon before I exercise, again because of the IBS–and when I got back to my office, I was starving.
I ate some leftover Spinach Quinoa Lasagna Casserole from Fit Foodie Finds, plus an orange, but I was still hungry.
So about an hour later I ate some peanuts, but I was still hungry.
So I went to class and ate some veggie chips a classmate had brought to share, but I was still hungry all through class.
There’s a reason I call this blog The Hungry Caterpillar.
“On Friday, he ate through five oranges. But he was still hungry.”
And then finally I was caught up with my metabolism and felt sort of bloated again.
Days when I get “jacked up”–they aren’t my favorite days. And they’re honestly not my favorite to write about, either. I went back and forth about whether to put this post up at all. I worry about coming across as whiny, and I worry that my metacommentary about whether I come across as whiny comes across as whiny.
Still, I think it’s important to point out that eating disorder recovery is hard, and that it continues to be hard, and that I don’t have any magical words of wisdom that will make there be no more hard days except that you have to keep fighting even when it is–especially when it is–most challenging. At least then, if you keep fighting, there are fewer of those really tough days.
Do you ever get “jacked up”–that is to say, find yourself struggling with anxious thoughts you thought you were mostly rid of?
Is anyone else out there also really proud when they remember to water the plant?